Watching a biologist clutch a Monarch butterfly and rub the fuzz off part of its wing and, then, wrap a tag around the leading edge of its wing, all the while, assuring the viewer that it mattered not to the butterfly, I have a theory: Biologist believe they are superior to the animals they study. Further, said superiority justifies any method of data acquisition. And, without a doubt, an individual animal has no right to an undisrupted life.

In order to test my theory, I need to monitor biologists as they go about their daily activities. (You can’t assume they’ll tell you the truth just because you ask.) I propose using large nets to capture random biologists. Those who struggle will be sedated. My team will take standard measurements, tattoo, tag, and collar these biologists before releasing them to resume their day. Don’t worry: They won’t even notice what we’ve done to them.

I’m working on an umbrella theory that scientists are merely human. Therefore, one day, I’d like to broaden the study to include non-scientists. (Any who die in the process will be processed as food.) I think I might find funding from arms merchants, drug dealers, and advertisers. There will be no shortage of willing grad students.

peace,
mjh

PS: I believe scientists have the same obligation as religionists: to rise above the worst aspects of humanity. Find less disruptive ways to observe your subjects. A sledgehammer is not a pencil.